i'm tired.

this is ridiculous. another break up. another time to journal and heal about a different guy.

this is ridiculous. i'm done.

God i don't get this one. sam i never felt peace with. landon i felt peace with. so how does that work?

what is the point in talking to you and trying to hear your voice if i am seemingly always wrong. i find "peace" about staying together. landon doesn't.

so why even bother talking to you? okay talking to you i get. why bother listening? i'm always wrong anyway. at least it seems that way. when im in a relationship im always wrong. so perhaps i am meant not to be. just to be you and me. no man. you and me and jesus and the holy spirit. that is plenty.

i know it wouldn't be the worse. everyone will judge me on account of thinking i am doing it from a place of bitterness. but really, even though i do obviously have bitterness to work through, it also seems true. i hear from you when i am single. i hear from you and feel closer to you when we are alone. perhaps i am made that way. perhaps i am not cut out for life with a man.

landon left me. he broke up with me. he says that was your will.

why didn't you tell me? am i so brutal at listening, so dense, you couldn't?

what is wrong with me.

everyone leaves me. except for you. but every human man so far has left me.

i feel like Ted off of how i met your mother. i just want to find love but every time i try it crashes and burns. i don't want to be like that. i want to be truly happy without someone or truly happy with someone.

i just want landon.

i finally felt so comfortable and at peace. he fit. he fit so well. but i wasn't everything he wanted. just "almost" everything.

God... am i a mistake? am i just destined to go the race on my own?

i'm worried about what people will think of me. stupid comments about how many people i have been with and stuff. it hurts. it actually hurts so bad. i feel like i can relate to taylor swift as ridiculous as that may sound. i wish i could be friends with her. she would totally come over with some mint chocolate chip ice-cream.

i have my friends. i am not alone. but i feel alone. i'm tired of having to go to them and say "he broke up with me." i'm tired of being that friend. i'm tired of "love" biting me in the ass.

i'm tired.

lk

so this is it.

time to nut up or shut up. or in other less weird terms. time to try to listen to God. 

Lord it feels hopeless. i am sorry to say it. but i feel used to and accustomed to not hearing from you regarding men. so i sort of just have accepted it. which i suppose is the exact reason that i do not hear from you. or maybe i do. but i just don't know it. 

sigh.

lk. are we good? are we right? what is Your will? i thought everyone was on the same page and good to go until i realized he is hearing from you not to move here. i don't know what that means. is that a "BREAK UP YOU SILLY CHILDREN" hint. or just a not now? perhaps you're protecting our purity keeping us long distance? perhaps you have a plan for us we don't know of? or perhaps this is the end for us?

what is Your will?

God, i do want you. i do. i want to learn to hear you and listen and seek you and strive to honour you and your kingdom. i feel like lk and i do push each other towards you. i do feel there is a very specific thing that needs to be removed from our relationship. which i am willing to do. if that is done, is your peace upon us?

God, do you want us to break up? do you want us to leave one another so we can better serve you? or can we do that together? i need to talk to him about said object that i think we need to remove.

what does you peace feel like? how will i know if i have it?

is lk the one?